I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
