I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
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