I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
