Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
