does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Randomize
