Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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