Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
