true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
