you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize