if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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