Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
