i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
