good thing vaginas are great cup holders
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
