Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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