Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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