i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
