I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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