just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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