I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
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