I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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