Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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