I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
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First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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