the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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