I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
