Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I feel like a drive thru vagina
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
