I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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