yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I think pants incapable of making pants work
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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