im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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