I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Randomize
