No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
My day in three words: secret purse cake
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
