Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
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