I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
When did angry sex become our thing?
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
