Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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