Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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