We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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