Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
