I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
