Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I've blown a few things in my day
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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