I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
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