she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
