Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Is Oprah even human
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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