im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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