If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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