I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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