Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
