Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
