Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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