I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
