I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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