God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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