I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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