do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
