it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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