I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
