In the future we'll all be gay
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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