he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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