yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
