You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
